Holiday Grief and Grace - An Excerpt from Shattered Together by Cathleen Elle

Katrina-Old • December 17, 2020

Creating New Traditions

I stood in front of rows of Christmas cards trying to find the perfect one for Ashley. The holiday music was playing over the loudspeaker and people milled about the small country store that was filled with books, tea cups, hats, scarves, mittens, wrapping paper, chocolate, and odds and ends. I really didn’t want to be in this cozy holiday store. I didn’t feel festive or like celebrating at all. I really wanted to find a card for Ashley, but I couldn’t find the right one. I was getting frustrated, my eyes wandered, and I caught the label, “Son.”

I froze. My chest got tight. My eyes welled up, and a sob choked my throat. I hurried out of the store so fast that I didn’t give the young woman behind the counter a chance to finish saying, “Have a nice….”

I quickly walked to my SUV, threw open the door, slammed it behind me, and sobbed uncontrollably at my steering wheel.

A few days later, I returned to the store determined to buy a card for my daughter. Even though I didn’t want to acknowledge Christmas or celebrate anything, I couldn’t forget about my other child. Although Ashley was an adult and living far from me, we talked every day. I knew she was still hurting too, and she deserved to know that I loved her, cherished her, and was thinking of her during the holidays, too.

So, I took a deep breath as I entered the store and swiftly walked to the cards. I told myself, Cathleen, you can do this. You’re doing this for Ashley. I felt determined as I picked up each card searching. I glanced at the “Son” section, and, this time, there were no tears although the tightness in my chest was still there. Then something loosened in me as an idea crossed my mind.

Why couldn’t I buy a card for Logan too?

Right there, I decided to find a card for him, too.

Later that night, I made a cup of green tea and I put on soothing, instrumental music. I started the fire in the fireplace, and then I curled up on the couch and wrote cards to both my children.

I wrote how proud of them I was and how much I loved them. To Logan, I also wrote how much I missed his laugh, his bear hugs, and his egg McMuffin sandwiches (he loved cooking for his friends and family and he was really good at it). I wrote how I was sad that he wasn’t here to celebrate this Christmas with us, but that I knew he was watching over us and he was always guiding me. I wrote about my hopes and dreams for the coming year, and also what I was most grateful for in the past year.

I cried a lot while I wrote Logan’s card, but, when I finished, I felt something release inside my chest. It was like I was letting go of a little pain just by acknowledging that it was the holidays and I missed my boy.

I sealed Logan’s envelope, and then I did something I hadn’t done that first year: I hung his stocking next to Ashley’s by the fireplace and placed his card in the stocking. When Christmas was over and it was time to take down the stocking, I left the sealed card in the stocking. I have added a card every year since and now have a special wooden box that holds all the letters and cards I’ve written to Logan.


Understanding Holidays

Navigating the holidays sucks.

At first, you may want nothing to do with any holiday. For me, I’ve started to plan a special trip to someplace magical and beautiful and, since faith is important to me, I have a small prayer ceremony. Having a tradition around Christmas and Logan’s birthday has helped to ease the pain that those days often bring, and it’s given me a way to bring some joy back into those holiday moments.

Will the holidays be tough for you? Absolutely. Creating new traditions around important events has immensely helped me. It’s been a way to keep Logan’s spirit alive, to honor the life he had lived, and to know he continues to be a part of me and this experience. It has brought me more comfort than I realized it could when I first created this new tradition.

These special moments are also another way for us to honor and remind ourselves that our loved one’s lives and their time on earth mattered.

New traditions also create space inside for us to experience the full range of emotions around the event. It means we don’t block, ignore, or pretend we don’t feel anything--it means we feel it all. You’re allowed to cry, laugh, and to feel whatever bubbles up inside of you. For me, my emotions are often mixed. I do feel joy, especially because I spend just about all the holidays and major events with Ashley now, and I am so grateful for our connection and the opportunity to make more loving memories together. And I still get sad that Logan isn’t here to share those times with us. It’s something Ashley and I talk about and acknowledge on those special occasions. Logan is a topic that is guaranteed to be discussed.

I try to allow whatever emotion I feel around the holidays to be felt because that’s how I continue my healing journey. You deserve to feel joy and to experience communion and connection with your friends and loved ones during special moments, while the pain can still exist. This isn’t an either/or situation.

The pain will be there, and that’s okay. Give yourself permission to feel that pain and allow yourself to create new traditions that fit you and your life today. Creating new traditions can help you move through whatever feeling you’re having in the moment.

There are no right or wrong answers to what that tradition looks like. Trust your instincts and do what feels good to you and your family. Get creative.

I say this a lot, but please be easy on yourself, especially if you feel like acknowledging any occasions. It’s okay if you need a break or it feels like too much of an emotional strain for you. Especially, for those first few years, you may want to skip the holidays. The only caution I offer is, if you find yourself skipping and ignoring holidays for many years, then you may, at the very least, want to try tiptoeing into celebrating a little, and if it’s just too painful, then that could be a sign it’s time to seek more professional help. We will grieve and feel a sense of loss, and sometimes that can turn into a depression, so we want to be aware of the line between, so we can take care of ourselves.

Our loved one doesn’t want us to mourn forever. They don’t want us to be filled with so much pain that we cannot see or experience love, or joy, or connection ever again. They don’t want us walking around like zombies—detached from our families and friends. They want us to heal. They want us to feel gratitude, peace, love, and happiness, which is something the holidays are meant to bring to each of us.


 You can get your copy of Shattered Together at https://cathleenelle.com/shattered-together/.

Shattered Together is the remarkable story of how I chose to become whole by learning to heal through the pain of my son’s death. From finding meaning in life to finding forgiveness, I share with you the hard-won lessons I’ve learned on my more than ten-year odyssey, and I reveal the practices and tools I’ve used to release my pain and experience love and joy once more.

Part memoir, part how-to, part inspiration, Shattered Together is a deeply moving and unflinching look at grief and faith, what it takes to heal, and how to recreate life after the sudden and unexpected loss of a loved one.

It is my sincere hope that you find this book of value to you on your healing journey.

You can also follow her on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/grieftobelief

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By Concerns of Police Survivors April 24, 2024
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